So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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