this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
