[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
