Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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