Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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