Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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