I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
