Having a random hookup so left but love u
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
