Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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