I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I met the friendliest cop last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
