I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
