I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
