Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
