I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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