I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
