So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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