Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
