If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
