Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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