I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need a beard to bite.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
