Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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