I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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