she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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