i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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