Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
