I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
