I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
