You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Randomize
