i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
