Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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