cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
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