just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
