is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
