last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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