Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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