If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize