Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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