If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
