So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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