He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
