Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
