Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize