So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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