I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
