she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
