soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
