i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
