He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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