we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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