Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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