i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
God I need to hump something, right now.
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