The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize