Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
