so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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