I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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