you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
