Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize