Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
