he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
