dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
