you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
