My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
